If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak you know its by far the most painful feeling in the world. I am not a parent so I’ve never lost a child, but I can imagine its simply heartbreak in a more traumatic and emotionally catastrophic form. I have lost close family before. There is no need to go into detail about that but honestly heartbreak is a much more complex pain to deal with.
I think one of the most difficult aspects of heartbreak is the combination of the notions that it ultimately was our fault somehow and us convincing ourselves that there was something we could’ve done or said to avoid it that would’ve led to a different outcome. Because of these notions we torture ourself endlessly, trying to find a solution that will give us redemption or closure. It turns into a daily battle and a cycle of losing ourselves in our own minds with what seems like no way to escape. It creates delusions and can sometimes lead to us taking the most drastic measures of the most extreme nature. And in some cases, it can turn into tragedy.
The process in itself is a torturous experience that takes turns into a force of nature that takes a life of its own. We recycle memories in our heads of what once was, what could’ve been, and what we may never have again. As we try to hold on to cherished memories of the relationship, we fail to realize not letting go is what’s hurting us the most. And that denial can be deadly. But it never fails, and some of us never learn.
If we are lucky enough to recover we can take from the relationships that were never meant to be, priceless lessons that help us grow and mature emotionally, psychologically, and romantically. We move on and realize the mistakes we made before and how to better handle similar discrepancies that may arise in future relationships. Of course this process can take an extremely long time as that feeling that once lit up our entire world is hard to let go of, and we try to relive it in our minds just to hold on to the happiness it once gave us. But in the end, we come to the realization that its over… And there’s no going back. At least not for the time being.
What I’d like to address in this particular entry is the relapse. Just like drugs, love has a physiological effect on us that will forever puzzle some minds. There’s chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine that are released into our brain when someone else shows us their adoration and appreciation. And the more we receive of it, the more we want; just like a drug fiend. Its this feeling that drives us crazy half the time, almost blinding us from the nature of our own actions and disallowing us to think rationally. And when we’re re-introduced to that feeling as a new romance occurs in our lives, the process starts all over again.
Now before you end up meeting “the one” if you’re ever so lucky enough, or even unlucky enough, lol, to have the opportunity, you’ll go through this process several times in in your life. And after each time, if you happen to develop strong enough feelings with each partner, that heartbreak continues to beat at your spirit like mobster collecting an unpaid debt. Every time, you’re reminded of the first time, and all those feelings of pain, remorse, regret, neglect, and worthlessness flood your psyche, bringing you down in a despair, difficult to cope.
Its like a movie that continues to play in your head over and over again. You start asking yourself “Why?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why do I keep doing this to myself?” And every time, you find yourself spiraling out of control, trying to find any way possible to numb that pain that just won’t go away. Its like a wound that never completely closes, and after each heartbreak it is re-opened, reminding you of what you “did wrong” or what you could’ve done to avoid it altogether.
Often times, you’ll blame a present partner for things those of your past did or confuse their wrongdoings with that of another. You may find yourself getting angry and taking that anger on people who have absolutely nothing to do with your conflict, simply because your irrational thinking creates delusions of others’ behavior and whether or not they knew or had something to do with it. Its almost borderline a psychotic break if the feelings and the bond was strong enough. And far too often, people who have no way to cope with the pain end up traveling down a tragic path, with no turning back. Its heartbreaking just to think about it, but its very real and happens much more often than many think or are even willing to accept.
Truth is I didn’t write this post to give you any solution as I don’t have one. I can’t tell you how to fix it, or how to avoid it happening again. I don’t even know if you can. I can only remind you that as you open up to people an things don’t pan out, you can expect this to happen repeatedly. Maybe its a matter of just getting used to it and not letting it kill you when it does occur. I wrote this to point out how the effects of the pain from heartbreak affect all of us, and how they may have affected your partner, ex-partner, or simply someone you know. Because though it may be hard to understand their irrationality, there’s always a reason.
We tend to forget that everyone we encounter in our lives has a past. And just like we have secrets, they have things they may possibly never tell you; yet those things have an absolute effect on who they are and why they do the things they do. My blog entries aren’t supposed to teach you anything but to provide you with insight and perspective. They are also to remind you that you aren’t alone. And someone out there, including myself knows how it feels. That in itself should be comforting. It should provide you with an understanding to help you the next time you’re losing your mind and you can’t seem to figure out why. Because I can tell you in all honestly, even writing this post helped me with my struggles, when I was unsure if I was able to keep it all together.